Being Happy...

.. is such a relative emotion. In fact, I find the very word "happy" extremely relative.

It's not about things that make you happy; things being big or small. It's not about the degree of happiness. Meaning to say, it's not about the cause or effect, but the very state of being happy.

There is happiness that is caused by self-satisfaction. And there is happiness when you see your loved ones happy. And when these two are conflicting, there is an all-time sadness.

Self satisfaction accounts for my personal likings and dis likings. Only likings, actually. For example, I can be happy about the weirdest things in the world. Pleasant, bright colors make me happy, an intelligent thought impresses me to drag me to happiness and to beat everything, a good weather. All this makes me happy. But if these be the reasons, I should never be sad at all. But it's not that way, sadly.

To see one's loved one happy, if one needs to compromise one's personal likings, it's reasonable and worth. But I wonder till what extent. It cannot be a rule, for sure. There are things that I like, and probably they don't and I can try convincing them, sometimes successfully, sometimes unsuccessfully. In the unsuccessful times, I understand that there needs to be a compromise from my side. So, there is harmony in relations, in the environment. And supposedly, we're all happy. In such a state, I am bound to ponder upon the degree of happiness. I am definitely not happy(of course, the time period may vary) , because I am the one who's compromised. I wonder if they're happy too. If they're my loved ones, they love me too. They know I've compromised on something, which has certainly disappointed me. If nothing else, who can be happy after a fight, or an argument? But, as I said, the time period of this sadness or disappointment may vary according to the intensity of the issue.

Then, there are times, when I'm happy without a reason(or with one that I've failed to acknowledge, maybe) throughout the day. And there are days when I so want to smile and laugh, but I'm looking for reasons. On such days, even chocolates don't help(it's taken a lot of courage for me to accept this though). And on such days, it's irritating and frustrating when a good news also doesn't leave an impact. It's stupid to see oneself sulking for no reason at all(or one that I've failed to acknowledge, maybe) and seeing others celebrating things.
Probably this is what people call "feeling low". And though I've experienced it many times, I've not yet found a logic to it.

It does make sense adding here that I've heard people genuinely calling me a happy person. And till recently, I had no ( or less than valid) reasons to deny. But now, I'm not very sure if it's a statement, or reminder.

Anyway, who doesn't want to be happy? There are people who slog day and night, because they want happiness. And there are people who are happy because they're idle, or vice versa.

Though people can seldom be classified correctly, I personally admire people who do not reach the extremes. As in, neither can the biggest jackpot in the world ever excite them to a level of madness, losing senses and all that, nor can the usual hassles of a struggling life ever dump their lives into pool of sadness. No, they're not dead people, they're happy and sad with the course of events in their lives. Normal people experience this as just another "calm state" in their lives, but these special people I admire, are always in this state. I admire them because they're strong, emotionally. And hence, very practical, in every approach. And it's not a reason, but they're so damn unlike me!! ( :-P )

When we talk of reasons, sulking, depressions etc, there are two easiest remedies. While we all know them, it doesn't strike us in the time of need! One being meditation. It makes us feel out of the box. The second being thinking about the ones who're not as lucky as we are. We do not get to choose our lives, our families but we get to choose the way we want to lead our lives. Some people don't even get that. Thinking of people who're physically or mentally challenged, or those who've not got families which are as supportive as ours, make me thank God a hundred times and I feel I have no right to crib!
(But aisa harr baar nahi chalta.. )

The Shopping Freaks!

Pa's been exporting a lot many scarves lately to U.S. of A. and is so very distracted from his usual apperal and garments' export line these days. I somehow got more than curious to ask him why.
This is what he had to say in turn:
"These Americans are so fondly obsessed with shopping, that every time they'd walk out of their houses, they'd be back with at least one newly purchased item. Now that the economy is not very healthy, and people are avoiding buying heavy stuff for themselves, they buy simple stuff like scarves to feed their addiction."

Pa and I had a great laugh at this. But since he's so sure about this attitude, I took a mere advantage of clarifying that his daughters are much better and that he shouldn't be shocked when he sees that our window shopping is as "severe" as our planned one! :-)

Extremist?

The world has survival for the extremes
you're either too rich to buy the lands
or you're too poor to own the skies
If you're anywhere in the middle,
speed up, or lower down.

The nation's got the roads built for the extremes
you're either a minister,
too elite to enter a traffic, a crowd
or you're a beggar
owning the footpaths, the dividers, so proud.

The constitution's got reservations for the extremes
The poorest fight the loudest for the deaf constituency to favor
The richest feed the hardest for the hungry administration that's eager

The society's got an ear for the extremes
you're either a tragedy queen to rule the gossips
or you're too lame to offer fellowships
if you're anywhere in the middle,
Oh! you're a loser!

p.s. - It's better to lessen the wide gap between the richest and the poorest than lifting up the poorest in the name of reservations and sympathy by suppressing the middle class as an award for it's hard work and a bare aim of surviving in the society.

You came, you conquered.

We have flaws, our love has flaws
and a perfect love was never what I searched for
and I never searched for you
you came, and you conquered.

When I had just learned to smile at, laugh with, love and live life
you came into my life
I never called it an interference
and acceptance was no favor either
It was an effortless pleasant welcome
when you came, and you conquered.

The love was unconditional
Still, there stood social rules
We tried playing deceiving games
But people aren't fools
Your introduction to a greater part of my life
and when you came, you conquered.

Now that the life is hollow
and I can't see you
There is emptiness all around
the laughter haunts
and the smiles are no where to be found
Now that you've left, and I'm still conquered
my life floats in the thin air
and the dark spirits play with it
and I howl like a small child
I beg of them to walk away
to leave me alone, and stop their play
Me, with those smiles, and the thin air
as I breathe, nothing seems fair

You talked of perfectness when life was at it's best
I talk of imperfections, when death is at it's worse
I'm not scared of tears,
you can keep your fears
just take me with you
as I breathe these last breaths
be by my side
and be the same perfect man,
I never searched for,
when you had just come, and conquered.

Birthdaysss.... I tell you!!!

So, like a special festival, like navartras and all, we have another festival that we celebrate in latter August. The specialty of such festivals is that they last for a minimum one week period. There's a lot of commotion in the house and everyone(almost) is busy and looking forward to the celebration part of it, usually in the evenings.

Okay, so this one festival I am talking about (in latter August!!) is my younger sister's birthday! It mostly lasts for 2 weeks: one week before her birthday, and another one after that.

No, it's not the same for all the members of the house, it's just so for this little kiddo that we have at our place, probably because she's the youngest, she's got a whole list of GIFTS that she prepares the whole year and very elegantly presents it in the start of the festival. Another reason being, her teenage. Not that I don't shop for myself or I don't like to flaunt new clothes and accessories to my friends, but her frequency of buying things drops frequency largely when her birthday is round the corner, only so that no one taunts, "Abhi to itni shopping kari thi" (you've just shopped so much recently!) So, call her sensible in some sense, but all the praises are fed to dogs when she produces her list. It's one attack, I tell you.
So, the first week is both, exciting and tiring, shopping for the girl. We're eating out, we're discussing the gifts, digging in to the good stores and coming home as dead tigresses.
The due day is the family day. Sitting, chatting and going out to lavish eating places to dine with family.
The following week is "her" week. The outings with the bestest friends (the first-order friends), showing off the bestest shopping done in the previous week, the treats in the school canteen to the rest of the acquaintances(the second-order friends) and the small little colony market treats to the colony/tuition friends. This is also her time of revenge, with those who've been fighting with her, her most liked group of friends. She doesn't invite them for her treat, but instead, their friends further.

It was exceptional this year, though. Not because the festival was shortened, or the celebrations were lighter, but because the list was THE SHORTEST this time. It was just a one-piece dress. Not an evening gown, something casual, something very smart. Very reasonable, I'd said. Little did I know that the length of the list doesn't matter, the availability and the perfect choices do.

That day (when she proposed this idea of "just a dress") and yesterday.. man!!! She and I had left no shopped turned upside down in our city. Each shop, each stock, the latest, the oldest, the smartest, the cheapest, the costliest, we went through it all. Well, to leak out the precious details, the (strict about clothing)father takes a good look every evening at the birthday shoping, out of general curiosity, so the neck lines had to be proper. And with due respect to our curves and flabs, it may be said that though we're not out-of-shape ladies, we do not possess the sleekest of the statures, and therefore, we couldn't afford a short dress for her(she's got enough to wear them on leggings already; she wanted to avoid the leggings this time). And with the blessed heights that we have, even medium length dresses look short on us!! Hence, we had to be selective in the hunt.

And of course, the hunt started on the first day of the festival and I am more than glad, that we finished it just in time- on her birthday! Late? well.. she was happy, so it's not very late i guess. Oh yes, it took us seven days to search for a decent, smart, fashionable one-piece dress of her size! South-extension, Lajpat Nagar, those malls in Noida, CnM and God knows where all we've been to look for the best for her. She finally liked one in G.K at 'Pepe Jeans' and we paid for it there and then. For God's sake, we were damned exhausted. But you look at her wearing it man, I now feel, it was worth it!

Well, somehow, the whole house as tired that day. When we returned, I was wondering if I actually had the energy to dine out. But it was her birthday, the main day!! I wished she said something about being tired, whether or not she was! Pa entered just 10-15 minutes after we did. He came equally tired from his office, exceptionally tired. But a kiddo that she is, the little darling that we have, no one could afford not dining out that day. So, she humbly suggested that we won't dine at a big place, but any restaurant near-by! Oh God, who'd explain her that 5 km or 55 km, it takes a lot of energy to freshen up and dress up again! Anyway, as I shrunk my eyes pleading Pa to take a break today, and promising her for some other day, I found him another one. He promised her that he'd take all of us to a 5-star hotel some other day and that day, he wanted to take us to Gulati, on Pandara Road. Anyway, great. I dozed off for an hour.

The best part about the dinner there was that even Badima agreed to come along. Usually, she doesn't. The food there is awesome. Not one smart guy in the restaurant - so there was no distraction and we laughed at every joke that anyone cracked, or attempted.

We came back home, merrily and slept, like dead tigers.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAREST SISTER.. though I personally find your head absolutely crack and you're too forceful when you've the slightest clue that the person in front is finding your point valid, I still love you.
There are small fights, big fights, heated arguments, physical fights, and I do say I HATE YOU at times, I still love you.
I know you'd go against me, let me down, leave no stoned unturned to prove me wrong, if you know Pa feels that I'm wrong, because we love him. Anyway, I love you!
-23rd August, 2008

And again she's out. This time, to watch that Ranbir starer flick with her school's bestest buddies. She's wearing the same dress she bought yesterday and man.. that high headed snob, she's on the ninth cloud today! She's happy. I'm happy for her. It's her birthday week, her birthday festival. The teenage birthday festival.

These birthdayssss.... I tell you!!

And she lived.. and she died.

An intimacy.
A blurred clue.
A dilemma.
A deep thought.
A relationship.
Complete confidence.
A submission.
Ugly state of affairs.
An unsuccessful withdrawal.
A never-ending deep thinking.
The End.

They, and me

They love me so much, it hurts.

The fact is, I love them.
The belief is, that I can do anything for them.
The hope is, that I will.
The reality is, that I am time and again shaken violently to realize the (hollow) present, as I sit back in my bright(and unacceptable) past, and fear my sad (and haunted) future.